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Slumped in the shadows, Marlin let out a despairing groan. Trying to console him, Dory said “There, there. It’s alright. It’ll be OK.” Marlin replied “No, no, it won’t… I promised I’d never let anything happen to him.” Dory looked back at him, confused. “That’s a funny thing to promise. You can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not a lot of fun for little (Nemo).”

We dads can appreciate both sides of this conversation. Holding our newborn son daughter for the first time often makes us want to protect our children from all hurt and pain. At the same time, many of the most important life experiences require our kids to go through hard things. Here are 5 moments we can’t protect our children from.

1. The Moment they Need to Go to the Emergency Room

Some kids have a knack for trying dangerous things. At times, it ends in laughter and a new memory. Other times, we find ourselves sitting with them in the ER waiting for stitches or a cast. While we can’t protect our children from stitches and broken bones, we can help them understand how to weigh the risks and benefits of a particular adventure beforehand… hopefully saving them from injury in the future.

2. The Moment Their Heart Gets Broken

One of the hardest lessons for anyone to learn is that romance isn’t always a fairy tale. The loss of a relationship often seems devastating, whether she’s 13 or he had a ring picked out and was planning the proposal. While we can’t stop our kids from getting their hearts broken, we can be there to pick them up again by providing a place to vent and a shoulder to cry on as they navigate these hard feelings.

3. The Moment Failure Feels Overwhelming

In modern-day Major League Baseball, a .300 batting average is excellent—but it means a great batter only gets a hit at 30% of the time. This means he fails more often than he succeeds. Hitting in baseball is a great metaphor to use to help your kids understand that sometimes, they are going to strike out. While we can’t protect our children from experiencing failure, we can teach them there’s a lot they can learn from a moment of failure.

4. The Moment Someone They Care About Gets Sick or Dies

Whether it’s grandparents, neighbors, or someone much closer to us, people we care about get sick and die. For a kid, visiting sick relatives in the hospital and later attending their funeral can be one of the most difficult, confusing experiences of childhood. While there’s nothing we can do to shield our kids from suffering and death, we can be there to answer their questions, help them cope with loss, and learn to grieve well.

5. The Moment Things Change

Kids don’t like when things change. Familiar things seem a lot safer than the unknown that change often brings. Change in our kids’ lives is inevitable, whether it’s outgrowing their favorite shirt, transitioning to a higher grade, or the struggle of watching a friend move away. While we can’t freeze the world around them, we can help them grieve the loss and (eventually) see the opportunities change can bring.

Sound off: What are some other things we can’t protect our children from?

The post 5 Moments We Can’t Protect Our Children From appeared first on All Pro Dad.

I was talking to a friend recently about all the dangers our kids can run into online. When I mentioned the threat of porn, she said something that set my alarm bells off: “Oh, my child would never watch porn.” She might be right, but the statistics aren’t on her side, and the assumption she made will cause her to put her guard down. That’s what happens to all parents who make lots of bad assumptions.

Parents should never make assumptions about their kids. When we do, we miss entering into important conversations and doing the training our kids desperately need. However, the consequences of some of our assumptions as parents can be more destructive, even disastrous. We need to avoid these at all costs. Here are 5 disastrous assumptions parents make.

1. “My child is more mature than most kids.”

Kids will often appear more mature than they actually are. They parrot things they’ve heard from adults. They know what they’re repeating fits for the situation, but they don’t understand why. Kids will also often put on masks to meet the approval and expectations of adults. These masks make them look mature, but the heart remains undeveloped.

2. “My child always…”

Parents who make lots of bad assumptions might not notice if their kids change. Kids might “always” have done something in the past, but that doesn’t give any guarantees for the future. Kids are unpredictable. They go through phases and changes; their relationships with their friends and family look different over time. They face different pressures and circumstances. What they would do two years ago no longer applies. Be ready for the changes, and never stop learning who your child is.

3. “My child would never…”

Kids are impulsive, and the part of their brains that measures cause and effect doesn’t finish developing until their mid-twenties. They are also starved for attention. So they are likely to do something unwise, get swayed by the crowd, do something unexpected, and behave in ways that will get them noticed, even if the behavior is bad. Believing the best of your child is understandable, but talk to your kids about these temptations with the assumption that they are capable of anything.

4. “My child is exactly like me.”

There may be similarities, but at the end of the day your kid is his or her own person. A huge part of our formation comes from the experiences we have, and theirs are different from yours. They are growing up in a different world. The DNA you passed on is just one part of the equation.

5. “We don’t need to talk about it.”

As I said in point three, you have to be prepared and talk to your kids about the temptations out there that can seriously hurt them. Never assume your child will avoid the bad things no matter how good their behavior has been. The Apostle Paul even said in Romans 7:15, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” If he struggled with his decisions, certainly our kids will, too, and they need our guidance. But, in all honesty, we struggle here too.

Thankfully, God is ready to guide us as Proverbs 3:5–6 tells us, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” Living this out will not only help your decisions, but it will help your kids.

Sound off: What are some other disastrous assumptions parents make?

The post 5 Disastrous Assumptions Parents Make appeared first on All Pro Dad.

We were relatively young when we had our kids—in our early 20s, which is great in many ways. We had energy and passion… and idealism. We weren’t going to be “those” parents. And by “those” parents, I mean we had a list of actions we observed other parents doing that we thought were ridiculous and were never going to do with our kids (if only I could read this to you, perhaps you’d catch the twinge of self-righteousness). Then, of course, we had kids, four of them. And we learned pretty quickly that we actually had no idea what we were doing.

I think this is actually true for most parents, young or not. You don’t know what you don’t know. And there’s not really a manual for this thing called parenting (which is why websites like this one exist!). Now I find myself in my mid-40swith grown kids and starting over as second-time parents. We’ve been fostering kids for years and recently adopted a 3-year-old and a 1-and-a-half-year-old. While we still are far from experts, we’ve definitely learned a few things, and as second-time parents, we’re making changes. Here are three things we’re doing differently the second time around.

1. We don’t aim at perfection.

When we parented the first time, we were really anxious about getting everything right. We were perfectionists, sure that every parenting misstep would possibly do irreparable damage. And yet, despite our attempt to be perfect parents, we fell short time and time again. And, despite all that, we discovered that our kids became pretty amazing people anyway. They also make a lot of mistakes and have many times done things that left us wondering what idiots parented them. And that’s kind of the point. We certainly have the ability to shape our kids, but they also make decisions for themselves, sometimes because of our parenting and sometimes in spite of it.

Good parenting certainly matters, but by “good” I don’t mean “devoid of errors.” I mean loving, humble, thoughtful, and courageous. So as second-time parents, we’re spending less time worried about “getting it right” and more time focused on how to love them well. Don’t get me wrong, occasionally we slip into perfection mode, but we let go of that a lot quicker and easier now than we did the first time around (maybe because you get tired quicker in your forties?).

2. We do more together.

The first time around, we used the “divide and conquer” strategy a lot. For one, we had four kids, and as you know, it’s difficult to do anything with any level of efficiency with one kid let alone four! But, if I’m honest, part of that was because I was pretty consumed with my career. My wife wanted to stay home with the kids, so that’s what we did. I worked, she stayed at home. But sometimes that led me to think my job was just, well, my job. And it was her job to manage the kids, and I’d step in when I could. That strategy left a lot to be desired. For one, I missed a lot of moments with my kids I didn’t need to miss. But also, I missed opportunities to be in it with my wife like I could’ve been.

As second-time parents, we simply do more together. Again, some of that is by necessity. We get tired a lot more quickly. But some of that is realizing that this time goes by quickly and we want to enjoy it together. Certainly that doesn’t mean we never divide and conquer. But we’re much more intentional about trying to do things together. And it’s not only been good for the kids, but it’s also been really good for us.

3. We think a lot about their environment.

One of the things we’ve noticed as our kids have gotten older is how deeply they were shaped by the environment they were in. In fact, I would say that they were shaped as much or more by their environment growing up as they were by us. When I say environment, I mean peers, but also more than just that. It was the school they were raised in, the affluence of our community, the general political leanings of our community, the people in our church.  So much of how they see the world was shaped by that experience. Some of that was wonderful, but some of it wasn’t.

As second-time parents, we’re paying a lot more attention to their environment. This is heightened by the fact that the kids we’re parenting now are of a different ethnicity than we are. So we’re even more focused on what the environment teaches them about who they are and who they can become. Keeping in mind the first point of this blog, that we’ll never get it all right, and that’s OK, we do have a much stronger value for paying attention to their environment than we did that first time around.

Sound off: What lessons have you learned from parenting that you’d share with a younger parent?

The post 3 Things We’re Doing Differently the Second Time Around appeared first on All Pro Dad.

When I was growing up, I was all-in on sports. I was constantly outside playing baseball and football and loved the sweat and work required to be great. Now as a parent, I have really enjoyed watching my four kids thrive at the different things they enjoy. Two of my boys love to play lacrosse, my daughter is amazing at soccer, and one of my sons is a fabulous artist who draws accurate Disney characters with ease. He’s much better at art than I am, that’s for sure. They all have their own things.

If your kids haven’t found a true passion yet, today is the perfect day to probe. That’s because people gain so much from identifying and chasing a passion. It leads to joy, increased self-esteem, a sense of purpose, and even a good work ethic. I want all those things for my kids, and I’m sure you desire them for your family, too. If your kids know what they love already, great. If not, you can help them get there. Here are 5 questions to ask to find your kid’s passion.

1. What makes you happy?

Happiness doesn’t drive passion but pursuing a passion can create more happiness. So, ask your kids what they already enjoy, and steer them toward activities that produce more of it. If helping others makes them happy, guide them toward a passion that benefits others. There are plenty of kids who have a lot of energy. Urge them to try joining a team. Knowing what produces happiness will lead them to finding a passion.

2. What do you NOT like?

This is the inverse and is just as important. If your kids don’t really enjoy schoolwork, then their passion won’t be tutoring younger students. If they hate getting dirty, gardening won’t work. Identifying and eliminating dislikes is how to find your child’s passion.

3. What would you do for free?

Football was my job, but I played for the pure love of the game. I was practicing and studying the craft of playing quarterback long before I earned an NFL paycheck. Football was, and still is, my passion. I still talk about it daily on TV and ingest every detail and nuance of the sport because I find it fascinating. When you ask your kids what they’d be willing to do for free, you will start to see what really drives them. If it leads to a paycheck in that field, even better.

4. What do you want to be good at?

Skill doesn’t necessarily equate to passion, but pursuing improvement is a good indicator. I love to golf and I’m always trying to shoot better scores. Wanting to be better fuels my passion. Ask your kids where they’d like to improve is a good way to find your child’s passion.

5. What do you circle on your calendar?

We should all have things we look forward to. I remember circling games on our schedule each year, usually when we faced former teams or friends around the league. You got a little more hyped for those matchups. What do your kids circle? The science fair at school? A robotics camp? Maybe a dance recital? Use the calendar to help find their passions.

Sound off: How many passions have you had in your life?

The post 5 Questions to Ask to Find Your Kid’s Passion appeared first on All Pro Dad.

I stared at the TV screen and watched with my stomach in my throat. Miami Dolphins quarterback Tua Tagovailoa suffered the third nasty concussion of his young career. I had flashbacks to 2011, when I suffered three concussions in one season while playing for the Cleveland Browns. I posted my thoughts on X, hoping to shed some light from my perspective. I admitted to fans that there were days I thought I should walk away, but I loved football. The sport can be dangerous, but I analyzed and understood the risk.

Now, as a parent, I see that my kids are in potential danger all the time. It presents me with a choice. I can bubble wrap them and keep them in their bedrooms to prevent all harm or help them manage life and endure the results. The more I watch them grow, the more I realize how helpful navigating danger can be in their maturation process. Even though my desire is to keep them safe, I can’t lock them away from the world. Neither can you, so start introducing it slowly. Here are 4 dangerous things you should let your kids do.

1. Time Without Supervision

In his book The Anxious Generation, Jonathan Haidt stresses the importance of play-based childhoods. He writes that playing while unsupervised builds physical, psychological, and social competence, which “gives kids confidence that they can face new situations, which is an inoculation against anxiety.” Kids with a parent constantly hovering over them become risk averse. Kids who never experience risk don’t grow. Giving kids pockets of time to explore, learn, and interact with others without a parent’s eyes always on them is beneficial. Is it dangerous? Sure. They could get hurt. But, that’s part of the risk assessment everyone must learn. Kids who learn it at an early age have an advantage.

2. Play Sports

Speaking of risk, sports are full of risk. My football career included plenty of risk. I’m not telling you to sign up your 7-year-old for tackle football, but kids who play sports thrive. They have higher self-esteem and lower rates of obesity and depression. A 2020 study found that youth athletics even leads to better academic performance. Could they get injured? Sure. Is the risk worth it? Yes. So sometimes, playing sports is one of the dangerous things you should let your kids do.

3. Start Dating

There are so many dangers with teens dating. There’s heartbreak, verbal and physical abuse, emotional and physical intimacy before they or their relationships are mature enough to handle it. But the great thing about dating as a teen is your parents can be there to help you navigate it. I think most parents get nervous at the idea of their sons or daughters going on dates, but dipping their toes in romantic relationships now, under your watch, is the safest way to learn how to love and be loved. I have taught my kids how to treat others and how to expect to be treated. Now I get to watch those lessons be put into action, as scary as it may be.

4. Manage Money

Unless you put your kids in charge of your credit cards, 401K, and stock portfolio, your home is probably safe. But managing money is risky at any age, especially for kids who are usually led by impulses. Adults haven’t even mastered this. A Clever Real Estate survey found that 82 percent of home buyers regretted their purchase, usually because they overspent. We can model good money management by living within our means and teaching our kids to manage money from an early age. It’s better for them to fail while trying to keep a few bucks in order than see them fail later in life when there are spouses and kids to support.

Sound off: Which of these dangerous things you should let your kids do causes you the most stress as a dad?

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Vicki Caruana, author of Giving Your Child the Excellence Edge, explains time management like this: “If we don’t plan how we are going to spend our time, we will end up running around from one activity to another without any purpose in life. It’s the difference between being a reactive person and a proactive person. A reactive person can only react to situations, and consequently, their lives are full of stress. On the other hand, a proactive person plans his time and is able to keep his stress level to a low roar. According to Webster’s Dictionary, a manager is “one who is at the head of an undertaking.” When you manage your time, it doesn’t manage you.

The key to teaching your children how to manage their time is to help them prioritize. What are the things your family values most? If it is family time, how much of a priority do you give to having a weekly family night? How often does your family eat dinner together? As you help your children prioritize their schedules, think about what is important enough to commit time to each day, whether it is family time, school studies, and extracurricular activities or just play time. In addition, Caruana offers these 4 basic steps for teaching kids time management skills.

1. Plan with a calendar.

Use an online calendar or even purchase a basic calendar or planner for each child so your kids can write down each day’s school assignments and commitments. And make sure your children are working in advance on projects and tests. For example, if your child has a book report due, divide up the pages of the book into how many days he has to read it, and then have him enter those reading assignments on his calendar. Make sure your children are using their calendars to plan ahead and set goals, not to procrastinate.

2. Set a morning schedule.

Mornings are often hectic, but it is important to make sure that your children leave on time each day. Caruana points out that in addition to the importance of being on time for school, you are teaching them to be responsible for their time and preparing them for the world of work. If you find that mornings are too chaotic in your home, consider having a checklist for the night before that includes having school clothes ready, homework and supplies put into their bags, lunches made, etc.

3. Use deadlines.

Use your children’s responsibilities as tools for teaching them how to meet deadlines. Caruana says, “Look for ways to increase opportunities for practice in this area. Use a timer for homework or chores. Set up a system of rewards and consequences if your child doesn’t take to deadlines willingly. Work with your child’s teacher to help him meet school-imposed deadlines…”

4. Schedule “outside” time.

Children are bombarded with entertainment options—from television to video games to the Internet. But how much time do your kids spend outdoors? Encourage your kids to play outside each day, doing something active such as riding a bike or playing with friends. If necessary, set limits on how much time each day they are allowed to watch television or use the computer. Perhaps this is a way you can incorporate family time into their schedules. Instead of sitting around the television together after dinner, go for a family bike ride. Teach your children to make the most of their time—even their free time.

While incorporating these steps into your children’s routines may take getting used to, teaching your children valuable time management skills will help them succeed not only in school but in life as well.

Sound off: How do you prioritize your day?

This article was taken with permission from the book Giving Your Child the Excellence Edge by Vicki Caruana.

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