Athlete Resources
5 Ways to Show Your Kids You Get Them
When my son Chapman was a baby, I would bring him on to stage as a speaking prop. Don’t judge! As I sat on a stool, I would sit him in my lap and sing one verse of “Build Me Up Buttercup” while moving his arms as if he were singing the song, ending with “Thank you, I (Chapman) will be here all weekend.” My boy brought down the house every time. The bit worked because he would smile and give perfect eye-contact to the crowd.
When my second son, Judson, was the same age. I tried the same thing with him… once. He wasn’t having it. He growled at the audience and wanted down. I started to learn that day what I know for sure today—every kid is different. Part of your job as a dad is to learn how to understand your child. Here are 5 ways to get to know your kids for who they really are.
1. Be amazed.
My wife was in labor with our first son for 32 hours. My role in bringing him into the world was to allow her to squeeze my hand to the point of fracture, provide ice chips, and ensure her the doctor said our son was fine. Her role was a little more involved. I will leave it at that. But I was never the same after seeing that boy for the first time. In the middle of all the chaos of being a dad, let’s never forget our children are inexplicable miracles. Now that he is all grown up, I’m amazed at his love for his siblings, his love for his students, his sense of humor, and the fact that I can still wrestle him to the ground. (Chapman, if you are reading this, bring it on… but don’t hurt me. Who am I kidding? He isn’t reading this.)
2. Be curious.
In her book I Said This, You Heard That, Kathleen Edelman does a brilliant job of simplifying inborn temperaments into four colors. Yellows speak the language of people and fun. Reds speak the language of power and control. Blues speak the language of perfection and order. Greens speak the language of calm and harmony. Understanding our kids’ different temperaments/colors was so powerful. For instance, one of our sons is a green, which means he is energized by spending time alone. When he needs time alone, it’s not that he doesn’t love us, doesn’t want to be with us, or that something is wrong. It is relieving to know that is just part of who he is. My son Judson, who understandably didn’t want to be a puppet at 18 months, is by far the calmest of our family of six. I recently asked him, “Do you feel as chilled on the inside as you appear on the outside?” In a very steady, calm voice, he said, “Yep.” Fascinating.
3. Be affirming.
One day, while driving my daughter to preschool, she said, “Oh, Daddy, look at those poor men out in the hot mowing the grass. I feel so sorry for them.” She has had an empathetic heart her entire life. I tell her often that I love that about her. That’s an easy trait to affirm, but sometimes we have to dig a little deeper. If you see your son as bossy, you may be seeing a future leader. Reframing and affirming this part of him as you help him manage how he expresses it could be life-changing for you both.
4. Be flexible.
We’ve all heard it said that you can’t parent all your kids the same. The better you understand your child, the more you know where and how to be flexible. For instance, if your child is shy, don’t force him or her into overly social situations. If your child is super social, you may have to plan additional times for him/her to be with other kids and people in general.
5. Be there.
The more we are around our kids in different settings, the better we know how they are wired. Watch how they respond in different settings. Search to understand when they seem the most content, restless, happy, sad, and afraid. What activities give them confidence, and what activities take it away? Bottom-line: When your kids know you get them, they know you love them.
Sound off: How do you let your kids know you get them?
The post 5 Ways to Show Your Kids You Get Them appeared first on All Pro Dad.
7 Things I Wish Someone Would’ve Told Me as a Young Parent
The way parenting works is a little bonkers. Two people who have barely figured out how to take care of themselves create a whole new person. They get about nine months to prepare (actually less by the time they realize she’s pregnant), and then they are handed a needy, helpless, demanding little creature. People spend more time showing new parents how to properly install a car seat than how to teach this creature to survive. I can’t tell you how many times I wish someone had handed me an instruction book.
And yet, you figure it out. You make mistakes and you learn from them. On the one hand, that stinks because your own kids live through your bad decisions. On the other hand, as you learn, you are now able to pass on lessons for parents in your circle that you care about (this is why having older people in your life is so valuable). I had a few of those people, but not nearly enough. As I’ve reflected on my experience, here are 7 things I wish someone would’ve told me as a young parent.
1. Trust your gut.
I can’t tell you how many times I listened to the parenting book instead of trusting my gut. Whether it was letting our babies cry it out for too long at bedtime or having “the talk” in ways that just felt unnatural, far too often I did what a book or a parenting video said I should do rather than trusting my gut with what I thought was best. Would I have gotten everything right if I went with my gut? Of course not. But I didn’t get it all right when I did what the books said anyway, and many times, I felt like I was working against my better judgment to align with the “experts.”
One of the critical lessons for parents to learn is to trust your gut. Listen to others, read the books, watch the videos. But in the end, you have been entrusted to parent this child. Be willing to trust your gut once in a while.
2. Don’t take yourself so seriously.
Parenting is one of the most consequential jobs on the planet. Your actions and your words can and will have lifelong implications for your children. All of this can make it feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, and it can push you to take yourself, and life, far too seriously. And yet, sometimes your mistakes will turn out to be a blessing, your anger an opportunity for reconciliation and forgiveness, and your failure will be fodder for great laughter. In short, as hard as you try, life will not go as you want it to. And that’s actually good. Because you don’t always know what’s best.
Therefore, one of the critical lessons for parents I wish someone had told me is to learn to take myself less seriously. There’s enough pressure on parents without me adding the weight of my own self-aggrandizement.
3. If you love your kids, you’re doing pretty well.
We’re only on point 3, but by now I hope you know that I’m convinced you’re going to make mistakes as a parent. You will undoubtedly get some things wrong—probably a lot of them. But here’s the thing: Your kids don’t need a perfect parent. They need a loving one. If you love your kid—and I mean the kind of love that willingly sacrifices itself for the good of another—you’re doing pretty well.
One of the most important lessons for parents is that of learning to prioritize love over right—right methods, right results. If you love your kids, I truly believe you’re doing more than just pretty well; you’re crushing it.
4. Love doesn’t always feel good.
Here’s the thing about loving your kids, though; sometimes, to quote the ’70s rock band Nazareth, love hurts. This is important to remember because loving your kids is very different from coddling them, ensuring they never experience pain, and/or trying to make life as comfortable as possible. To love your child is to do your best to help him or her grow into a healthy adult. This means boundary setting, discipline, and teaching the value of perseverance and hard work.
One of the lessons for parents I wish someone had shared with me early on is that sometimes, loving your child means doing what’s best for her even if she hates you. Because later, she may just thank you.
5. Parenting strategies change all the time.
Go back and read some of the bestselling children’s books of 20 years ago. Heck, read parenting books from 10 years ago. You’ll find that some of the strategies they were most committed to now seem antiquated and obviously misguided. The fact is, parenting strategies change. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t use any. It just means that whichever strategy you choose, you need to realize that the strategy is not the goal; it’s simply a tool to help your child grow.
One of the lessons for parents I wish I’d have learned when my kids were young is that even the best parenting strategies will one day be shown to be imperfect at best. So adopt the one that fits you, but hold it loosely in love.
6. You will either parent like your parents or in opposition to them.
Maybe I should say, “If you don’t do your work, you will either parent like your parents or in opposition to them.” This may not actually be a problem. Some of us had a wonderful upbringing, and we actually want to parent our children like we were parented. But for some of us, the last thing we want to do is carry our parents’ legacy into our parenting. This is why it’s so important to spend time reflecting on what your want for your kids and how you’re going to work to provide it. If your parenting is unreflective, it is probably your parent’s parenting.
One of the lessons for parents I wish I’d have understood early on is how much our parents’ parenting affects our parenting. It’s not that I would’ve changed everything, but I certainly would’ve been more thoughtful in my choices.
7. Don’t rush bed time.
In the early years of parenting, when my kids were young, I was also working to prove myself in my career. The result was often working long hours and bringing work home and just generally feeling tired and stressed. This sometimes meant I was in a hurry to get the kids to bed so I could have time to focus or perhaps just unwind. However, bedtime with kids can be one of the most important times. Whether it’s reading a favorite book, praying together, or just cuddling, those moments provide opportunities for connection that are rare.
One of the lessons for parents I wish I’d have learned early on was how unique and special bedtime is. The work, the series you’re watching, the dishes will all be there when it’s over. But that time goes faster than you can imagine.
Sound off: What lessons do you wish someone would’ve told you when you were a young parent?
The post 7 Things I Wish Someone Would’ve Told Me as a Young Parent appeared first on All Pro Dad.
Beyond the Toybox: 6 Reasons Experiences Are Better Than Things
Some Christmas gifts can offer immediate joy, communicate love, and even create lasting memories. But can we pause for a five-minute, nationwide Christmas gifts sanity check? We string lights all over a tree and cover it with knick-knacks. Under said tree we place decoratively disguised purchases that will eventually end up at Goodwill, all while giving the purchasing credit to an imaginary, robust, red-suited man who rides a sled pulled by wingless, oddly-named animals.
To be fair, our family has done all of the above. But a few years ago, we decided to spend less on gifts and more on experiences, which is the best Christmas traditions upgrade we have ever made. We were inspired to do this based on a suggestion from a friend, and the research that supported it. Here are 6 reasons experiences are better than things.
1. Memories are better than stuff.
Research shows that experiences create memories that stick in our minds and can be interpreted as better than they really were. Material possessions, however, remain fixed objects that are what they are—stuff.
2. Connections are better than isolation.
It’s understandable that when kids get fun, new things for Christmas, they want to spend time with those things. But this time and focus on new things often replaces time and focus on family. When we choose to do things like ride around and look at Christmas lights or play games, we create connections with our kids that matter all year long.
3. Doing is better than having.
The more stuff our kids have, the more there is to take care of, deal with, and eventually store, donate, or trash. Doing things together as a family creates priceless memories you can relive for a lifetime. Plus, memories do not require batteries or shelf space.
4. Communication is better than distraction.
Stuff is distracting. In a lot of ways, that’s its purpose, it’s a thrill. Stuff is exhilarating and novel, sending feel-good chemicals to the brain and body. But things can become the competition of connection, a connection that sends a lifelong message to our kids’ brains and bodies that they matter.
5. Giving is better than entitlement.
Nothing highlights the message “but every kid has one,” more than Christmas. I struggle with not wanting our kids to be “the only one without one.” But my wiser wife didn’t buy into the hype, and our kids never once complained about their less extravagant but more experiential Christmases. Good job, Nancie Lowe. You were right. I was wrong.
6. Unplugging is better than gadgets.
One year during the holidays, our family stopped at a Chick-fil-A that had Christmas boxes on the table. Customers were encouraged to place their phones in the boxes while they ate. The reward for a phone-free meal was free ice cream for everyone at the table. Brilliant. As I looked around the restaurant, I was transported back to good ol’ 1995 when family meals happened with no phones, just arguments. It was bliss. Create some phone-free time over the holidays.
Sound off: What experiences do you enjoy with your family during the holidays?
The post Beyond the Toybox: 6 Reasons Experiences Are Better Than Things appeared first on All Pro Dad.
5 Ways to Show Your Kids You Believe in Them
Spoiler alert: I’m going to share a scene from Season 3 of Ted Lasso. If you haven’t seen it, well first, what’s wrong with you? Second, go see it. OK, here goes.
Ted and Nate looked up at the blank wall in front of them where a sign with one word, “BELIEVE,” used to hang. That sign represented Ted’s whole philosophy as a coach, to have self belief, to believe that great things could happen, to believe in his players and coaches, and to believe in positive outcomes. In an angry moment, Nate ripped it off the wall and tore it up. Now, fully reconciled in their friendship, Nate stood looking at the wall feeling guilty for what he had done. That’s when Ted said, “I tell you, when I look up there, I still see it.”
Ted’s belief was so ingrained he didn’t need a sign. That’s exactly what we want for our kids. Unfortunately, this generation of kids has a lot of anxiety and pessimism. We want them to believe in themselves and have optimism for their futures. They need to have self belief and as dads, we are the best people to give it to them. Here are 5 ways to show your kids you believe in them.
1. Let them do it.
Whether it’s resolving a problem at school or relationally, driving a car, making a home repair, or even as simple as setting the table when they’re young, let them do it. We’re all tempted to step in to solve problems for them, but that only communicates that we think they can’t do it. Let them struggle, make mistakes, and push through when circumstances get challenging.
2. Be there.
Whenever my kids accomplished something in their younger years, the first thing they would say to me was, “Dad, did you see that?” Show up for their events, games, activities, and productions. Nothing communicates a belief in our kids quite like the investment of our time.
3. Tell them.
This may seem obvious, but I can’t tell you how many dads “know this” but then don’t do it. Our kids need to hear from us that we believe in them. Just make sure that they know that your belief in them is not tied to their specific performance on a given day. We are all going to fail and succeed at different points. Your belief is in their innate value. Their mere existence is significant and meaningful, and they have a lot to offer this world.
4. Validate their experiences and what they say.
Listen to and validate their struggles. Don’t minimize them. Sometimes, we jump a little too quickly into motivation mode. That can make our kids feel unheard. Sure, they’ll need a perspective adjustment along the way from time to time and a word to persevere. But make sure you spend enough time first making them feel understood and known.
5. Encourage failure.
My dad taught me to play chess when I was six. He didn’t let me win, and I would cry when I lost. I’ll never forget him explaining to me that losing is a learning experience. Make sure your kids know that your belief in them is not tied to their performance. Encourage failure as a great way to risk and to gain experience, insight, and knowledge.
Sound off: What are some other things we can do to bolster a kids’ self belief?
The post 5 Ways to Show Your Kids You Believe in Them appeared first on All Pro Dad.
5 Small Decisions That Show Your Kids Their Value
My 4-year-old daughter is an aspiring artist. She’s not Vincent van Gogh quite yet, but she is well on her way. Her latest gloppy project was a fish-shaped, squiggly line of glue with every shade of glitter mixed in. She beamed when she presented it to me, sure that I’d gush over it. I made a big deal over her creation, which miraculously didn’t stick to my hand. “Thank you for thinking of me,” I said with a hug. My favorable reaction was a simple decision, but it made her so happy.
I want my daughter to remember that Dad always made a big deal about the things she worked hard to complete. But I always want her to understand that my love is not conditional. Her ability to draw well, run fast, play music, or anything else has no bearing on my love for her. She has immense value simply because she’s a person. If we want our kids to know that, we have to be intentional with our words, time, and actions. If you want your kids to understand their true worth, here are 5 small decisions that show your kids their value.
1. Bite your tongue.
It seems like Parenting 101, but we definitely should not say everything that comes to mind to or around our kids. Instead, choose your words carefully, considering what kind of feelings they may stir up. Colossians 3:21 asks dads not to “exasperate” their children. That’s a big deal, because what you say to and about your kids influences how they view themselves. Biting your tongue means not saying things that would call into question how special, irreplaceable, and unique they are. Limit those negative words.
2. Give compliments freely.
Conversely, be free with your positive words! Compliments are like jet fuel for a kid’s self-esteem. That’s because when you say something like “You’re such a good artist!” your child actually hears something else: “I see you and love you.” Compliments affirm that you notice and cherish your kids. We discuss how powerful this is during episode 37 of the All Pro Dad podcast. Complimenting their character, decisions, and attitude tells kids their value is tied to who they are, not just what they do.
3. Put your phone away.
A favorite scripture verse of mine is Psalm 127:3, which says, “Children are a gift from the Lord.” God gifted me with three kids. They are precious to me, yet I constantly catch myself looking at my cell phone while my kids are in the room. It’s problematic. Surely, they have looked up and seen me scrolling Instagram. I hope when it happens, that they don’t conclude that my phone is more important to me than they are. To make sure that’s not the case, I try to put it away as much as possible. Our attention gravitates to what we deem most valuable. I want to give plenty of attention to my kids.
4. Choose people over machines.
It may sound silly, but when I’m with my kids I try to not to use the self-checkout lane at the store. I deliberately choose to interact with a real-life employee. I’m all for convenience, but I want my kids to value connection over speed. Will I have to wait a few extra minutes to buy my milk and bread? Probably. But that short interaction with a cashier demonstrates to my kids that others are valuable. Hopefully that reminds my kids that they are, too.
5. Make purposeful eye contact.
I learned something about communication by reading Matthew 19. Jesus established eye contact with the “astonished” crowd before teaching, saying “With God, all things are possible.” The words are important, but the eye contact caught my attention. He took the time to connect with his eyes and added punch to the message. We can do this with our kids. Eye contact communicates to others that whatever they’re saying, feeling, or doing matters to you. As parents, we need to make eye contact a habit. Looking our kids in the eye is a small decision, but one that says we’re present, not distracted, and genuinely interested in them.
Sound off: How do you value a child with your small decisions?
The post 5 Small Decisions That Show Your Kids Their Value appeared first on All Pro Dad.
5 Isms That Are Hurting Your Kids
“Daddy, let me in,” my daughter was banging on her door as I locked myself in to be able to bag all the toys she no longer uses. I tried doing it with her, but she wanted to keep everything. Every item had sentimental value and a story attached, but all I could think of was too much stuff in her room. She typically sleeps with a mountain of stuffed animals, and instead of donating them, I compromised—we could put them away in the attic.
Author Matthew Kelly discusses the “ism” of materialism and how material possessions can quickly become more valuable than character. Looking around her room at all the toys and technology she’s accumulated, admittedly, I’ve allowed this particular “ism” to flourish in my household. But it’s not the only “ism” that poses a problem. There are other “isms” and parenting styles that hurt your child and mine. Here are 5 other “isms” that are hurting your kids.
1. Perfectionism
Remember when your kid won second place in the school race? He looked so proud, but all you could think was, “Yeah, but it’s not first.” As a perfectionist, I’ve been guilty of this, and it’s a slippery slope. Setting unrealistically high standards can wreak havoc on our children’s self-esteem. Instead of demanding perfection, focus on promoting a growth mindset. Encourage your kids to embrace challenges and learn from their mistakes. When my daughter struggled with memorizing her multiplication tables, I said, “I love how hard you’re trying. What can we learn from this?”
2. Favoritism
If you have more than one kid, you know how easy it is to fall into favoritism. Maybe one child excels in sports while another struggles, and you praise the athlete more often. However, favoritism can seriously damage a child’s self-worth. Every child deserves our love and attention equally. Instead of comparing, celebrate each child’s unique strengths and talents, even if it means you have to start taking an interest in something you might feel is boring.
3. Authoritarianism
Authoritarianism is definitely one of the parenting styles that hurt your child. If you’re like me, perhaps you have tried screaming, yelling, and punishing your kids to show them who’s boss, but it never works. An authoritarian parenting style might seem like a way to maintain order, but it can seriously hinder our kids’ independence and decision-making skills. Finding the right balance between guidance and autonomy is critical.
4. Pessimism
It’s easy to always look at what’s wrong. But constantly focusing on the negative can profoundly impact our kids’ development and future outlook. Try to cultivate optimism and resilience in your parenting approach. When my daughter was nervous about her first day of elementary school, we discussed all the exciting opportunities ahead instead of dwelling on her fears. It didn’t eliminate her anxiety, but it helped her face the challenge with a more positive mindset.
5. Traditionalism
“Well, that’s how I was raised, and I turned out fine!” Sound familiar? While there’s value in tradition, clinging to outdated parenting methods can be harmful. The world our kids are growing up in is vastly different from the one we knew. Adapting to our children’s unique needs and modern challenges is crucial. For me, this meant rethinking my stance on technology. Instead of banning screens outright, I’ve worked on teaching responsible digital citizenship.
Sound off: What are some other isms and parenting styles that hurt your child and mine?
The post 5 Isms That Are Hurting Your Kids appeared first on All Pro Dad.