Athlete Resources

Five of the best years of my childhood were spent in a Norman Rockwell-style town in Connecticut. It was a safe place filled with kind people. There were certainly good days and bad days, but overall, I can’t remember one person I didn’t get along with. I also can’t remember any major difficulties. When I was 11 years old, we moved—and that’s when everything changed. Life in my new town was riddled with hardship and relational pain.

Years later, I was talking to my mom about it, and she said something surprising: “It was good for you.” After thinking about it, I agree with her, because overcoming challenges makes us stronger. At the time, I would have given anything to return to my idyllic life in Connecticut. Unfortunately, I think we do the same thing as parents. There are things we try to eliminate from our kids’ lives that are actually good for them. They may not enjoy them these things, but the result of going through them is something positive. Here are 5 surprising things that are good for kids.

1. Sadness/Broken Heartedness

When I was young, I heard a dad say he hoped his daughter experienced a broken heart. I didn’t understand it then, but I do now. Broken hearts help our kids form a deeper sense of empathy, thoughtfulness, humility, and understanding. It engrains in them the ability to connect with people in their suffering and extend grace and forgiveness when they’re wronged. The love they’ll have to give will be fuller, which will improve their relationships, and in turn, their life satisfaction.

2. Struggles

Our muscles grow because of resistance. In a weightless environment, our muscles would experience atrophy. The same is true of our mental and emotional maturity. In order to grow strong, we need to work through discomfort and barriers. Facing and overcoming challenges builds kids’ perseverance making them more resolute. And one day, they’ll be able to handle any difficulty. As the Apostle Paul says in 2 Corinthians 4:8–9, “We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”

3. Boredom

If there’s one thing I think kids have too much of today, it’s stimulation. If it isn’t screens, it’s the constant schedule full of one activity or another. There’s little opportunity to be bored. Boredom gives kids a chance to be creative, problem solve, or just sit in quiet reflection. It gives their brains a chance to reset and build their attention spans.

4. Waiting

I love how convenient everything is today. Answers are one click away, you can order products online instead of leaving your house, and you can despot checks from your phone. Remember how awful it was when our parents dragged us to the bank when we were kids? But with all the convenience, our kids are missing the opportunity to wait. Waiting helps us deal with delayed gratification and improves our patience and emotional regulation.

5. Failure

As I evaluate myself, any character I have was either created or bolstered in my failures as opposed to in to my wins. Failure establishes humility, encourages perseverance, and is the best learning opportunity. Failure makes us go back to the drawing board, study more, train harder, and come up with more creative solutions. We get stronger and smarter. More than anything, we learn about ourselves, our natural talents, our weaknesses, and our grit.

Sound off: How has overcoming challenges made you stronger?

The post 5 Surprising Things That Are Good for Kids appeared first on All Pro Dad.

When my wife and I followed the sound of our 10-year-old’s blood-curdling screams, we were surprised by what we found: our 4-year-old pulling her hair. Tired from her long first week at preschool, the 4-year-old mistakenly thought her sister had taken her cashews. We put her to bed early, which gave us the opportunity to spend the rest of the evening with our oldest daughter. Instead of giving us sass and wit, she was sweet, funny, and playful. I realized she had our undivided attention for the first time since her sister was born. And she needed our attention.

As a father, dividing attention among family, work, hobbies, mobile devices, and friendships can strain our focus. Balancing these aspects of our lives is critical, but if we’re not careful, we forget to give attention to our children. Here are 5 practical and self-tested ways to improve your focus on your kids.

1. Implement daily device-free time.

We all know devices are significant distractions but are used for good. To limit their use, I’ve started implementing daily device-free time in our household. This means setting aside a specific period each day, from 6 to 8 p.m., when all devices are turned off and put away. No phones, no tablets, no laptops. As a family, we engage with each other without digital distractions. Conversations at dinner became richer, playtime became more imaginative, and the overall quality of our family time improved dramatically. It’s incredible how much more you can focus on your kids when you’re not constantly checking your phone.

2. Schedule regular one-on-one time.

Another strategy I’ve found incredibly effective is scheduling regular one-on-one time with each family member. This includes date days with my wife during school hours and special “kid dates” with each of my daughters. Take the kids to a park, visit the library, or even ride bikes around the neighborhood. The key is that it’s dedicated time for just the two of you, free from the distractions of siblings or other family members.

3. Create and maintain family traditions.

Family traditions have become essential to how we focus on each other. We have “Friday Movie Nights,” where we all pile onto the couch with popcorn and watch a film together. We go to church together on Sundays and pray before every meal. We even have “Trampoline Time,” which allows our kids to exhaust all their energy before bed. Some are silly, but these traditions give us all something to look forward to and provide regular opportunities for focused family time. They create shared experiences and memories that strengthen our bonds.

4. Don’t interrupt when kids are sharing.

I’ve learned from my daughters that kids do not like being interrupted. It is a break in focus from their thoughts, and they feel we are not listening to them. As adults, we often have the urge to jump in with advice, corrections, or our own stories. But by doing so, we risk shutting down our children’s desire to communicate with us. Instead, listen thoroughly to let them complete their thoughts before responding. It shows them that their thoughts and feelings are valued. It encourages them to continue sharing with me, fostering deeper connections and better communication.

5. Prioritize and communicate individual needs.

Every family member has different needs, and it’s essential to recognize and prioritize these individual requirements. My youngest daughter needs quiet time to build her LEGOs or play with her dolls alone, while my oldest needs an imaginative storytelling game the whole family can get into. Come up with a way for each person in the family to communicate those needs, especially if your kids are older. Hold weekly family meetings to discuss their thoughts, feelings, or ideas openly. By acknowledging and addressing individual needs, we create an environment where everyone feels seen and valued. This, in turn, makes it easier to focus on each other meaningfully.

Sound off: What’s your biggest obstacle to focusing on your kids when they need you most?

The post 5 Practical Ways to Focus on Your Kids appeared first on All Pro Dad.

One of my all-time favorite movies is The Sandlot. Young Scott Smalls moves to a new neighborhood. His mom encourages him to get out, make friends, and even “get into a little trouble.” The movie is based on Scotty and his friends’ adventures on and off the baseball sandlot. While I would never tell my kids to get into trouble, I get it. When I see my kids lying inside on devices, it drives me nuts.

It turns out, kids not having unstructured time should drive all dads nuts. Just to be clear, we’re defining unstructured playtime as a time of no technology that is child-led and undirected by adults. Of course the definition of playtime varies by age, but in his book The Anxious Generation: How the Great Rewiring of Childhood Is Causing an Epidemic of Mental Illness, Jonathan Haidt explains how important unstructured playtime is to a child’s development. Here are 5 ways to encourage our kids to have unstructured playtime.

1. Reduce scheduled activities.

When our kids were younger, we decided to allow them to do only one activity or sport at a time. It gave us more time as a family and gave our kids time to be kids. Our kids are good friends now, and I think it is, in part, because they had unstructured time to play together.

2. Designate unstructured playtime.

Setting a specific time for your kid to direct his or her creativity and interests will greatly increase the chance of it happening. What works for your kid? Start small if you have to—just start. For example, do 30 minutes after school, one hour before dinner, or on Saturday morning. If there is no time in their schedule, you may want to consider point one above.

3. Provide open-ended toys and materials.

During the pandemic, my oldest son did something I still can’t believe. He gave his Play Station to his sister so he could teach himself to play the guitar with the help of YouTube. And he did it! His brother followed his example, and now they play together. While we want unstructured playtime to be self-led, providing open-ended toys and materials can prime the creative pump. Depending on your kid’s age and interests, think about providing things like blocks, playdough, art supplies, sporting equipment, musical instruments, writing supplies, construction sets, cardboard boxes, science kits, board games, and puzzles.

4. Offer safe outdoor spaces.

Jonathan Haidt nails it when he points out that parents are “often hyper-aware of ‘stranger danger,’ fearing random abductions. While that is a valid concern, the internet exposes kids to a constant stream of strangers often with less parental oversight than a situation where a child might be playing outside in their neighborhood.” As much as you can allow your child to enjoy the great outdoors, from sidewalk chalk to building a clubhouse in the woods, give your kid the chance to do what most of us got to do: play with some freedom.

5. Step back and observe.

The most difficult part of unstructured play time is might be not intervening with suggestions and improvements. Allow your kids to appropriately struggle with siblings and friends. Allow them to be bored as they are learning how to have unguided play. Allow them to do something in an inefficient or “wrong” way. They will start to learn to manage their own stress, imagination, and social skills. It may not be easy to watch at times, but hang in there; it will get easier for both of you.

6. Focus on the process, not the product.

Unstructured playtime will most likely not lead kids to grow up to be great painters, musicians, or athletes. Even in our achievement-based culture, proficiency isn’t the goal. Instead, the goal is to give our kids a time to learn problem-solving, get creative, gain social skills, practice resilience and experience wellbeing.

Sound off: How do you help your kid have unstructured playtime?

The post 6 Ways to Help Your Kid Have Unstructured Playtime appeared first on All Pro Dad.

When my son was not yet 2, I developed a habit of watching The Simpsons with him in the evenings while my wife was working. Sure, it wasn’t exactly age appropriate, but I just assumed he wasn’t really paying attention. Then, one day, I walked into a store with him where they had a Homer Simpson balloon floating above the greeting cards. My son pointed and loudly exclaimed, “Simpsons!” I was mortified—and obviously wrong. He’d definitely been paying attention.

We make a lot of assumptions in parenting. To be fair, none of us is given a manual, so you kind of have to figure it out. Some of our assumptions are correct. Others are wrong but harmless. However, some of our assumptions in parenting can actually do damage. Here are 5 assumptions we make that hurt our kids.

Obedience is the end goal.

When your kids are really young, obedience is, of course, the goal. You want her to listen when you say “no” so she doesn’t run into traffic or swallow a toy or touch the stove. But as they age, it’s tempting to continue to focus on obedience. And while obedience is very important, it is not an end to itself. The point of obedience is for our kids to stay safe and develop into wise and loving people. Why does this distinction matter? Sometimes we can get so focused on obedience that we spend more time thinking about how to enforce rules than whether the rules are actually helpful in cultivating a healthy individual. Obedience is important, but it’s not the end goal. Character development is.

The most important thing is that they’re happy.

You want your kids to be happy. That’s because you love them and happiness is better than unhappiness. Well, that is often true, but not always. Do you work out? Are you happy during that last rep when you’re trying to max out? Probably not. Do you work a job you find meaningful? Are you constantly happy as you do it? What about parenting? Does every aspect of parenting fill you with happiness? When we focus primarily on our kids’ happiness, we can create self-focused individuals constantly looking for other people to make them happy. In reality, we want our kids to live a life of meaning. We want them to be willing to do hard things that don’t make them happy all the time, because they are working toward an end that is ultimately good for them and others.

They need to fit in.

This one is so difficult. On the surface it seems simple. But it’s painful to watch your child feel left out and kids can be insanely cruel. It’s easy to assume getting rid of that pain is more important than the potential downside. I remember when all of our kids’ friends had social media and our young teens begged and pleaded for it. They felt left out, and it was our fault. I would’ve caved, but my wife stood strong. Now, study after study comes out saying how detrimental social media is for young kids. My assumption that alleviating the short-term pain was worth it was completely wrong. Certainly kids need to have a sense of belonging, but if they always fit in, we might be letting their friends do our job.

“Kids are resilient.”

On the one hand, this is true. It’s remarkable what a child can endure and still come out the other end full of life and potential. On the other hand, how many of us walk around with deep wounds from our childhoods? These wounds don’t need to define us. They aren’t excuses. At the same time, I’m sure many of us would’ve been well served by a dad (or mom) who stepped up when we needed them to. When your child is going through a difficult experience, whether it’s a difficult teacher or coach, mean kids at school, or academic struggles, don’t use the assumption your kids are resilient as an excuse not to engage. Lean in. Listen. Teach them how to respond well and, if necessary, intervene.

Kids need to keep busy.

You may immediately think of the saying “idle hands are the devil’s workshop.” At least, I do. And, as with all of these assumptions, there’s some truth to it. It’s not just that bored kids get into trouble but also that having meaningful things to do is really good for kids’ wellbeing. That said, it’s also really important that kids have downtime. With school, homework and extracurricular activities, kids can literally be running from one thing to the next from the moment they wake up until they go to sleep at night. Sure, that may keep them out of trouble, but it also can lead to decreased creativity and problem-solving skills and increased anxiety and depression. We are not machines. Prioritize unstructured (non-screen) time in your child’s life.

Sound off: What other common assumptions in parenting do you see hurting kids?

The post 5 Assumptions We Make That Hurt Our Kids appeared first on All Pro Dad.

I had a journalism professor in college who really challenged me. She was gruff, didn’t put up with any backtalk or tardiness, and held her students to a very high standard. When I turned in an assignment after interviewing someone she hadn’t approved, she promptly gave me an F. It didn’t matter to her that my project was well-executed. I hadn’t followed her directions, which violated one of her “non-negotiables.” She loved that phrase and used it mostly to keep us in line.

Flash forward to today, and I have developed my own list of non-negotiables for parenting. But unlike that professor, my non-negotiables are not intended to simply mandate obedience. When I’m disciplining my kids, I want them to know my correction comes from a place of love, not brazen authority. Handing out discipline is a necessary part of being a dad. It’s easier for me when I stick to my list. Here are 7 non-negotiables for disciplining kids.

1. Be consistent.

If you come down hard one day and light the next over a similar offense, what message will your kids receive? “Dad is inconsistent, so I have no idea what to expect.” Take the confusion out of it. Consistency leads to reliability and, ultimately, comfort. The kids may not like that there are consequences every time they mess up, but being predictable is a good thing.

2. Give fair consequences.

Taking away the Nintendo Switch for a week may be warranted if your son didn’t do what he was asked. Taking it away for a year? Maybe not. Be fair with your assessment and the consequence. There is a proverb that says, “Give careful thought to the paths for your feet and be steadfast in all your ways.” When we carefully consider what’s fair, we avoid under- or overreacting.

3. Follow through on those consequences.

If you forecast consequences for poor decisions, then you must be true to your word. Empty threats don’t work and actually teach kids that you’re not serious about what you say. This weakens your authority. Following through shows you are honest and trustworthy.

4. Prioritize teaching over punishing.

Discipline sticks best when it’s tied to a lesson. When a group of angry, self-righteous religious folks dragged an adulterous woman to the feet of Jesus, they expected him to help stone her. It was the custom of the time, after all. The punishment must fit the crime, they said. But Jesus corrected them all with a measure of grace. He permitted anyone in the crowd who was perfect to throw the first stone. Nobody was qualified but him, and he chose not to. Instead, he told her, “Go and sin no more.” He taught the woman how to move forward after she’d done wrong. We must teach our kids the same thing.

5. Remain calm.

There is a verse in Proverbs 15 that says, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” It’s really hard to diffuse a situation when you’re angry, so I try to discipline when I’m calm. I have to walk away for a minute or two sometimes to cool down before I speak with my kids. Those few moments ensure I don’t punish while I’m still angry. Maintaining my composure helps to create a better environment for discipline.

6. Listen to your kids.

It’s easy to be the “boss” in the situation when handing out punishments. You’re the adult, after all. But listening leads to empathy and understanding, two things I really want my kids to grasp. I’ve definitely punished prematurely because I didn’t have all the information. If I expect my kids to listen to me, they should also expect to be listened to. That may not prevent discipline, but they should know that Dad is always willing to hear them out.

7. Keep a united front.

Occasionally my youngest will come to me and ask for something without informing me that Mom already said no. That never flies. My wife and I are united. Sending kids mixed messages not only confuses kids but undermines your spouse. Whatever disciplining that needs to be done, do it as a team. It’s fair to everyone and shows the kids that Mom and Dad are unified.

Sound off: What moment of discipline from your childhood still sticks with you?

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At first, you may think my dad made one of the biggest parenting mistakes. Thinking it was safer than a motorcycle, he bought me a three-wheel ATV when I was 12. The Consumer Product Safety Commission eventually banned these tricycles of terror due to countless accidents. I occasionally bring it up: “Dad, didn’t you love me?” That never goes well.

While I would be the first to admit three-wheelers should have been banned, mine offered me freedom to create some of my best childhood memories. Yes, age-appropriate supervision and safety measures must be taken, but unstructured play is crucial for kids. Author Jonathan Haidt found a direct link between a decline in free play and rising anxiety in kids. Here are 5 reasons kids need more time to roam.

1. They learn problem-solving.

Somehow, my three-wheeling friends and I learned that if our three-wheelers wouldn’t crank, we could make them crank by rolling them downhill and popping them into gear. Sometimes it even worked, producing feelings of euphoria I haven’t had since. Let’s stop solving every problem for our kids, which is one the parenting mistakes we don’t want to make, and let them figure it out.

2. They get creative.

As our three-wheeling, pimpled face gang of boys grew, so did the lying lore. Inflating tires to make a three-wheeler float was our grandest lie. While none of us had fully functioning frontal lobes, mine functioned the least. So I was the first and last to attempt to cross Turtle Pond, but what a memory! Kids need room to dream big and fail so they have stories to tell when their frontal lobes are fully developed.

3. They gain social skills.

My three-wheeler was my ticket to a world beyond my house. My friends and I would swap stories and lies and dream about our next Turtle Pond. It’s essential we give our kids room to figure out life with friends.

4. They practice resilience.

The ultimate test of any boy’s three-wheeling skills was using the lake’s dike like a ramp. Driving too slow equaled not enough momentum to make it to the top, most likely making you flip backwards. If you went too fast, you could also flip backwards or land in the lake. Many a good man was taken down. It was awesome. We need to let our kids experience failure and learn to hobble back.

5. They experience wellbeing.

Injuries aside, my three-wheeler days were filled with what I needed. It gave me time outside, away from video games and TV, and time with friends laughing constantly. Ironically, this anxious kid was never anxious while riding a vehicle that advocacy groups protested. Let’s unplug our kids and let them play.

Sound off: How do you help your kids have unplugged time?

The post 5 Reasons Kids Need Unstructured, Self-Guided Play appeared first on All Pro Dad.