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“Yeah, uh huh,” I said absentmindedly to my teenage daughter. “Are you even listening to me?” she replied with a suspicious look. “Yes!” I said. “I’m sorry. I was just checking my texts.” Later that evening, while talking about plans for the weekend, I looked up to see my daughter nodding but looking at her phone. “What?” she said. “I’m still listening to everything you’re saying.” And maybe she was, but it didn’t feel good to talk to someone who’s half-listening, so I understood how my daughter felt when I did it to her.

Our world is so fast-paced that it’s easy to bypass good manners—manners we really do think are important to teach our kids—for the sake of efficiency. Here are 5 examples of good manners that are worth being intentional about, even in the midst of a busy day.

1. Listening With Your Full Attention

In today’s world, it’s not uncommon or even considered rude for us to sit at lunch together with our phones out, looking at them while continuing live conversations. And for adults, it comes from a good place—we often want to be available in case something urgent comes up with our kids or our jobs. Yet our attention, eye contact, and even our minds are not fully devoted to the person we’re talking to. Listening with your full attention is worth slowing down to model. It makes others feel valued and heard, and we definitely want our kids to practice it when we’re the ones talking.

2. Introducing Yourself and Others

I’m honestly terrible at this one. When I’m around someone I don’t know, like a fellow parent I’m meeting for the first time at a school function, I’m either distracted by my own agenda or just not thinking about the people around me. Frankly, sometimes it seems easier to avoid an introduction. But according to Indeed.com, introducing yourself in person is an extremely valuable action, especially in an increasingly virtual world. It can “allow you to create connections and establish trust with others.” In addition to trust, stopping to make an introduction will show kids how to be friendly, brave, and considerate.

3. Driving With Kindness and Patience

Oh boy. This one is really tough when we’re in a hurry, and it seems like I’m almost always in a hurry. But now I have two teenage drivers and a third one who is getting close to driving age, so they are watching my every turn. Why we tend to lose all manners when we drive, I have no idea. But I do know that it is possible to show kindness and patience while driving if we keep it in the forefront of our minds. What does that look like for you? For me, letting people merge, not sharing frustrations out loud while driving, and generally slowing down to “get there when we get there” helps me maintain my cool and be a good example.

4. Arriving on Time

No doubt, things will delay us (especially when kids are involved), but are we still trying to arrive on time, or are we just giving up? Being on time is a valuable part of demonstrating good manners. It shows others that we respect them and their time, and it helps build trust in the relationship. If you’re going to be late, let the other person know. Do this with your kids, too, and you’ll find that they’ll reciprocate it when you’re the one waiting on them to pull in the driveway at curfew.

5. Following Through With Your Yeses

I have a friend who cancels our plans at least 80 percent of the time. Yes, he’s busy. But I’m busy, too, and it’s frustrating to rearrange your life to make plans that always end up changing anyway because somebody else is unreliable. Have you ever experienced this? Be choosey about the times you cancel. Make it your goal to be a person people can count on, and your kids will be more likely to do the same.

How do you show examples of good manners in the midst of a busy life?

The post 5 Examples You Should Set for Your Kids appeared first on All Pro Dad.

Several months ago, my family and I stayed in a yurt while on vacation. If you don’t know what that is, imagine a cross between a large hotel room and a tent. In other words, it was glorified camping. It was fun, or at least interesting. The yurt was on property owned by a college professor, who we had the pleasure to talk to each day. When we asked her about her students, she said over the last couple of decades, students have lost critical thinking skills.

But critical thinking skills are essential for kids to thrive and to make the world a better place. We have to instill them in our kids. Something a friend of mine uses for this is the Go Bible. It’s easy to read with lots of applications and poses questions to kids about everyday scenarios. Great exercises and tools like that can help kids formulate their thoughts and make better decisions. Here are 5 more ways to improve critical thinking skills.

1. Encourage curiosity.

Encourage your kids to explore and learn new things. It will teach them to have an open mind and gather facts before arriving at a conclusion. According to research by Harvard Business Review, curiosity “encourages [people] to put themselves in one another’s shoes and take an interest in one another’s ideas rather than focus only on their own perspective.”

2. Carve out time for free play.

In his book The Anxious Generation, Jonathan Haidt argues that giving kids more free play helps kids learn to resolve problems, think creatively, and even reduce bad behavior. Free play has disappeared over the last few decades, and our kids’ ability to self direct and solve relational problems has taken a hit. So, take them to a park, back away, and let them play.

3. Ask open ended questions.

Asking your kids open ended questions helps their problem-solving and encourages their vocabulary as they formulate words. Questions like these challenge kids and give them an open road to produce their own original thoughts. If you have trouble thinking of questions, find tools that can give you ideas, like the Go Bible that my friend uses.

4. Play strategy games.

My dad taught me to play chess when I was six. It trained me to think a couple moves ahead and about the consequences of my actions. Playing strategy games with your kids is a great way to sharpen your kids’ brains to problem-solve, evaluate strengths and weaknesses, and evaluate cause and effect.

5. Let them solve their own problems.

It’s hard to watch our kids experience pain. If you are like me, it gives you a terrible bout of stress. That’s probably why I swoop in and solve the problem for them—it gives me relief. But that robs them of an opportunity to grow stronger and learn critical thinking skills. I love the scene in Finding Nemo where the dad turtle lets his son struggle to figure out how to get back to him after getting momentarily separated. I need to be more like that. When your kids run into a problem, let them figure it out, unless it’s an emergency.

Sound off: What are some other things we can do to improve our kids’ critical thinking skills?

The post 5 Ways to Improve Critical Thinking Skills appeared first on All Pro Dad.

There’s an old Mad TV sketch with Bob Newhart playing a therapist. He sees a new patient and explains that he will charge her $5 for the first five minutes and then nothing after that. She’s thrilled with the cost, but he assures her that the session probably won’t go beyond five minutes. He invites her to share her problem, which is a fear of being buried alive in a box. Then he says, “OK, I’m going to say two words, and I want you to take these with you: STOP IT!” She’s taken aback and says, “What? I just need to stop being afraid?” “Yes,” he responds. “Just stop it!”

Obviously, dealing with past hurts and fears is never that easy. But there are plenty of behaviors we can simply stop that would improve our lives. Some of these are our parenting practices. If we would stop doing certain things, it would be better for our kids and us. Here are 5 common parenting practices you can ditch.

1. Counting for Obedience

“Come here! I’m going to count to three! One…two…” Sound familiar? I did that when my kids were young until an older and wiser mom gave me a better way. All counting does is teach our kids that they can delay obeying us. They can wait until you get to three. If you want your kids to obey right away, then explain to them that obeying right away is a must and that when they don’t, there will be a consequence. The next time you tell them to do something and they don’t do it, give them a consequence instead of counting.

2. Removing Challenges and Trials

In his book The Anxious Generation, Jonathan Haidt gives an interesting analogy about the project Biosphere 2, launched in the 1980s. The trees that were planted in the dome grew up quickly but then fell over. In order for trees to grow strong, they need wind. When the wind blows, it pulls at the roots and the wood compresses, making it stronger. Our kids need resistance, challenges, and trials to gain maturity, intelligence, confidence, and perseverance. When we remove their obstacles, we deprive and weaken them.

3. Setting Expectations

Kids need boundaries. They don’t need your expectations. Kids’ brains (including teenagers’) have not fully developed, especially in the prefrontal cortex. The prefrontal cortex helps them determine cause and effect. This makes them impulsive and their decision making unclear. Setting expectations on them applies pressure that doesn’t help them mature. They see your agenda and often just try to meet expectations to get their parents off their backs rather than becoming responsible. Explain and enforce boundaries instead of setting “expectations.” Guide them and affirm your belief in them.

4. Allowing Unsupervised Internet Access

In The Anxious Generation, Haidt explains that the reason kids are so anxious today is because they have been overprotected in the real world and underprotected in the virtual world. Concerned our kids will get hurt in the real world, we hover above them 24/7 to offer protection. At the same time, we give kids phones and tablets at young ages with limited safeguards. They are left on their own to navigate the internet, chatrooms, social media, online gaming, videos, and influencers without oversight or guidance. Kids’ developing brains can’t handle the dangers and addictions they face online. The longer you can delay their access to the online world, the better. And when the time comes, you need to be beside them.

5. Treating Them Like They’re Older

Parenting can get monotonous, especially in the early years. It can be tempting to want to speed up time and start introducing our kids to concepts, experiences, and entertainment they aren’t ready for. When I was younger, an older parent said, “You just won’t believe how quickly it all goes by.” I didn’t believe him, but I understand now. I couldn’t wait to be done with animated movies, but now I find myself watching those same movies on Disney+ by myself, reminiscing about when my kids were toddlers. There’s no need to rush your kids into the next season. It’ll come faster than you think. Enjoy the age they are now and stay there until it’s time to move on.

Sound off: What are some other common parenting practices you think we can ditch?

The post 5 Common Parenting Practices You Can Ditch appeared first on All Pro Dad.

“Dad, why do we have the smallest house of all my friends?” I was taken aback by my son’s question, and to be honest, a little defensive. I love our house. It’s nothing fancy, but it’s a beautiful home that’s served our family well for years. But when my kids were young we’d made the decision to move into one of the best—and wealthiest—school districts in our state. This has afforded them many opportunities. It’s also sometimes given them a distorted view of what’s normal.

We all want the best for our kids, but in trying to give them the “best life” we can, we inadvertently might create scenarios in which our privileged kids don’t recognize their privilege. If we’re not careful to help them navigate these things, they end up with skewed worldviews that are actually harmful. Here are 5 ways your kids can be hurt by their privilege.

1. Your children lack compassion for those who are struggling.

It’s natural and good to want to shield your child from suffering. You don’t want them to experience it or even have to look at it. However, do we take this too far? A life insulated from suffering is a life insulated from reality. If your child doesn’t have real life experience with people who are struggling, it’s easy to develop the mindset that the struggles are the fault of the one suffering and to take for granted how exceptional our lives often are.

Look for ways to get your child engaged with people who are struggling perhaps by volunteering at a shelter, tutoring kids, or visiting shut-ins. Whatever it is, make sure there’s a relational component. Help your child see the humanity and dignity in the lives of those who have it much harder than they do.

2. Your children lose the ability to be grateful.

As our kids were getting older, my wife and I told them we’d set a certain amount of money aside to help them buy their first car, but they would be responsible to work and save for the rest. When it came time for one of my daughters to get her car, she identified the one she wanted, and it was significantly more than her savings and our gift together could buy. Instead of pivoting, she protested: “Why can’t you just give me more toward the car?” My wife and I were shocked. But she’d seen friend after friend receive their first car as a gift, and she just couldn’t understand why we couldn’t do the same. Despite all she had, she wasn’t thankful—she felt entitled. Not only did we need to have a conversation about gratitude, but we knew we needed to begin to be more intentional about modeling and practicing gratitude ourselves. Even the simple act of giving thanks before a meal can be a powerful reminder that everything—even the meal we take for granted—is a gift.

3. Your children mistake wealth for meaning.

I’m grateful that my kids have been able to attend a great high school and, now, solid colleges. They’re all set up well to succeed financially and otherwise. I’m glad for that. Yet, there have been times when we’ve had conversations with them about what they’ll major in or how they might choose a job, and I find myself stopping them: “That’s great,” I’ll said, “but we want you to choose a path that’s fulfilling, not just lucrative.” While money is important, it’s insufficient to provide a fulfilling life. If we’re not careful, our privileged kids lose sight of what matters.

Talk with your kids regularly about how they have been gifted, how those gifts might serve them in certain vocations, and how those vocations can be part of how they are making a positive impact in the world. They need to see that their gifts are for the good of others, not just their own comfort and success.

4. Your children have more things from you than experiences with you.

Most lies come wrapped in partial truths. Parents carry a deep sense that we need to provide for our kids. That’s absolutely true. The question is, what must we provide? It’s easy to get caught up in working hard to make money to buy stuff for your kids that will ultimately end up in a storage bin. Meanwhile, you’re working late and skipping events to make it happen. However, the data is clear: Experiences matter more than things. In other words, taking the day off to take your kid to the park or go on a bike ride is much more likely to lead to happiness than buying something.

As much as possible, prioritize experiences with your kids over things you buy for them. If taking time to be present with your kid means you have less money to buy them stuff, in the end, you’ll both be happier for it.

5. Your children learn the myth of independence.

When you have lots of resources at your disposal, it can become easy not to depend on other people. If something happens and you need childcare, you pay a sitter. When life gets rough and you need a breather, you order out rather than prepare your meals. There aren’t often times when you need to depend on others. This can end up communicating to your child that it’s up to you to take care of you. And while this sense of personal responsibility is admirable, you may inadvertently discourage your children from the accepting the gift of community. In community, we depend on each other and show up in times of need. People sacrifice to care for us, and it’s not only good for us but also for them. Learning to show up for others creates deep joy.

Look for opportunities to build the kind of meaningful relationships that involve people showing up for one another. Whether your friends need it or not, consider taking meals when they’re sick or offering to help with childcare when they are stressed out. When you need a tool, consider borrowing from a friend rather than buying it (even if you can afford it). These practices can help create a beautiful interdependence that can be a gift to you, your friends, and your children.

Sound off: How else are you helping your privileged kids not be hurt by their privilege?

The post Are Your Kids Being Hurt by Their Privilege? appeared first on All Pro Dad.

When I was a kid, all I wanted to do was play baseball, and at the ripe age of 10, I had a plan that I would play in the big leagues. I would get to “the show” by the time I was 20 and then retire at 40. This was the first time I had a goal. I didn’t write it down, but I knew in my heart it’s what I wanted to do.

I had a good playing career through high school and college, and played for a while in the minor leagues. Even though I didn’t reach the big leagues, I learned a ton about life and the game I love along the way. Those life lessons set me up for success in my next career as a professional coach.  Goal setting for kids is important—even more important, I learned, than meeting every goal. Here are four skills kids gain when they set goals.

1. Work Ethic

This is the willingness to start moving toward your goal. When kids set goals, it’s because they want to accomplish something. It’s the uncharted territory where they haven’t been before. It takes hard work to achieve their goals, and sometimes even harder work to sustain what they’ve accomplished. When you love what you do, it doesn’t feel like work, so encourage your kids to try something new and observe how it effects their work ethic.

2. Discipline

Once kids start working consistently toward their goal, they will typically encounter one of two things: success or failure. Now we know failure can be a great thing because that can fuel our work ethic and persistence. The key to persistence is passion, so when they are passionate about what they are doing, they will more than likely keep at it. The consistent work ethic breeds discipline.

3. Patience

It can take time to realize their goal, so as kids start to build their discipline, they also start to develop patience. Their patience will be tried again and again, so it’s very important to be a positive voice for them to go to when they get frustrated. Lots of versions circulate of a Thomas Edison quote: “I never once failed at making a lightbulb. I just found out 99 ways not to make one.” Regardless of which version of the quote is accurate, your child’s goal might require that much patience. And even if your kids don’t reach their goals, they will have gotten better at being patient, which is a skill transferable to any facet of life.

4. Perseverance

Adversity is going to happen, and it takes perseverance to realize your goal. When I played in the minor leagues in 1998, I had to overcome a major shoulder injury and ended up getting released three times. I stayed the course, signed with a team in August, and we ended up winning the Northeast League Championship. Five months later, the Chicago White Sox signed me to a contract, and I attended spring training. By staying the course to reach my goal during adversity, I matured and learned how to persevere. When kids learn to persevere through tough times, it helps them mature as they grow older.

Sound off: What are some ways you can encourage your kids to set goals at a young age?

The post 4 Skills Kids Gain When They Set Goals appeared first on All Pro Dad.

Last summer, my son Josh lived with us, along with his wife and their son. It was a privilege to have that time together. At the same time, he was trying out for the Jaguars. One of the hardest parts of my job is cutting players because it affects their livelihoods. And it’s especially hard when the player is your son. As training camp wore on, I warned him that I didn’t think it would work out. He understood and kept a great attitude. Ultimately, I did end up cutting him.

Those were difficult conversations, but my son and I have built a relationship that makes conversations like that possible. One of the things I enjoy most at this stage of parenting is that my sons still come to me for my perspective and advice. This didn’t happen accidentally or from luck. It came from years of intentional thought and consistent effort. If you want this type of relationship with your kids, one your kids think is safe for having tough conversations and seeking you out for advice, then focus on these 5 things.

1. Spend time with them.

Much of the comfort my sons have in coming to me came from the time we spent together. The time spent fishing, being at school events, playing on sports fields, hunting, Christmases, birthdays, and celebrating milestones created memories and bonds. Our kids go through a lot of stages and changes, and we need to walk through it all with them. Making the most of these opportunities will build trust with your kids. Being a consistent presence now will make them want your presence in the future.

2. Model self-discipline.

This is something my dad modeled for me. If you tell your kids you are going to do something, do it. If you say you’re going to be there, make sure you show up on time. Set your priorities and boundaries. Be willing to say no to less important things so you can commit to your kids. Having self-discipline will model to your kids what’s truly important in life. If you do that, your kids will know they can depend on you, and that creates trust.

3. Tell them no.

You are the one who needs to teach them right from wrong. Establish clear boundaries, and hold them firmly. Love your kids enough to discipline them when they step out of line. Sometimes it takes them time to understand it. That’s OK. There were plenty of times my sons were mad at me because I wouldn’t let them go to a party or engage in things I thought would hurt them. Now that they’re grown, they’re grateful.

4. Sacrifice for them.

Success in our careers, friendships, interests, hobbies—there are a lot of things we want to pursue. Then there are times we want to relax and zone out. We will need to sacrifice some of these things for the sake of our kids. The sacrifices we make communicate to our kids that they are worthy of our time and attention. It makes them feel loved and valued. And they will always want to be where they feel loved and valued. Sacrifice your own desires and pour into your kids.

5. Surround yourself with wise people.

Somebody recently asked me what the best parenting advice is that I have ever received. Honestly, I couldn’t remember any advice I received, but I did have a lot of great examples. I watched other dads I admired, like my own dad, older players, and coaches. They all showed me the kind of dad I wanted to be. Look for those dads in your life. Surround yourself with people who are older, wiser, and have great relationships with their kids. Then follow their example.

Sound off: What else can a dad do now to ensure his kids come to him for advice? 

The post Doug Pederson: 5 Ways to Be a Dad Kids Come to for Advice appeared first on All Pro Dad.