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I don’t get angry often, but my kids were around the last time I blew up. We were walking in the parking lot after grabbing dessert when I saw a bunch of teens standing by our car. They didn’t care that we were there and were saying every foul word they could mutter. In a moment of righteous anger, I out of nowhere and uncharacteristically yelled at the teens to watch their language around my little kids. They sneered at me and walked away. It startled my kids, and the car ride home was a quiet one.

I could have handled it differently, I admit it. But the thing is, I hate when people curse around my kids. I think it’s wrong, and when I expressed that, I made a poor choice. I shouldn’t have yelled, but I don’t apologize for not wanting that kind of language spoken in front of my family. There is a place in the world for righteous anger, and I want my kids to know that. Should I have handled myself better in the parking lot? Yes. But I won’t teach my kids all hate is wrong. Here are 7 things we should teach our kids to hate.

1. Evil

There is nothing redeeming about evil. It’s contrary to anything good, pleasing, and perfect, which is why it’s rightfully hated. Kids should not embrace evil in any form—bullying, drugs, racism, porn, self-harm, murder, terrorism. The list is long, and each item on it harms everyone it touches in some way. Kids should hate it because it’s not only harmful but deceptively appealing. Evils like the ones I listed are often glorified in popular culture, making it seem “cool,” but there is nothing about it worth embracing. Amos 5:15 gives clear guidance on this topic, saying “Hate evil, and love good, and establish justice in the gate.” Encourage your kids to run away from what is evil. Teach them what’s good and evil so they can begin to hate what’s evil.

2. Injustice

My kindergartener is VERY into fairness. If her brother gets five M&Ms and she only gets four, you’ll hear about it. Her radar is always searching for injustice, and I think that’s actually a good thing. Candy is a small thing, but real injustice exists around our kids. When someone is treated poorly or unfairly, it means one person thrives at another’s expense. Injustice strays from what’s fair and right, putting everything out of rhythm. I think back to the Old Testament story of Moses who recognized when a Jewish slave was being unjustly beaten and intervened. If we desire kindness and fairness, then we should hate injustice.

3. Division

I remember having a conversation with a local politician about public speaking. “It’s gotten to the point,” he said, “where if I say I like dogs, the cat people will call my office to complain.” The world is so polarized. It seems like we’re just looking for reasons, big or small, to split or argue. But, division has consequences. It fosters a “me versus you mentality,” which rarely results in harmony. Romans 12:16 asks us to “live in harmony with one another,” which is tough to do when we’re looking to pick fights. I want my kids to have righteous anger about the things that drive us apart.

4. Divorce

In the United States, a couple gets married every 16 seconds. But sadly, a marriage also ends every 42 seconds. Divorce is tough on everyone, including kids. We should hate seeing families ripped apart. Malachi 2:16 says that God “hates” divorce, so I think we should too. Now, we totally get that there are legitimate reasons for divorce. But in most cases, we need to try our best to reconcile our differences. Seek professional help if needed. It’s worth it. Trust me, as a kid who grew up in a single-parent household for a while, I can say that not having a dad around sucks. There was an ever-present sadness because someone was missing. Dad, you are vital to the nurturing and encouragement of your kids. So, work with all your might to keep your family together. The best way to protect your kids is to protect your marriage.

5. Jealousy

Anything that invites comparison, stunts self-esteem, and increases resentment is worthy of some righteous anger. Jealousy does all that and more. Living with a jealous heart makes us wish we were someone else, had what they had, or lived like they lived. Jealousy negatively impacts our behavior, judgement, disposition, and attitude. It’s hard to be jealous when you’re busy counting your own blessings, so teach your children to find contentment in all situations.

6. Pride

I love the lesson from Proverbs 8:13, which says “To fear the LORD is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech.” Pride is something I think most people deal with at some point, but it never leads to anything healthy. It is the root of arrogance, self-righteousness, and ego—all things we should hate.

7. Complacency

My high school basketball team went undefeated when I was a freshman, but that didn’t mean we’d win every game as sophomores. I remember the coaches telling us that we couldn’t become complacent if we wanted to keep succeeding. Complacency leads kids down a path they don’t want to go. It will bring apathy, minimal effort, and hinder your chances to reach your full potential. I think we owe it to ourselves, our families, and to God to give full effort in everything.

Sound off: Which “evil” do you struggle with most as a dad?

For a deeper discussion about this subject, check out this All Pro Dad podcast episode:

The post 7 Things We Should Teach Kids to Hate appeared first on All Pro Dad.

As a toddler, our daughter had a seemingly unbreakable strong will. But establishing control with her was a battle my wife and I knew we couldn’t lose. Fast forward 13 years, and with some of our daughter’s choices in clothing and music, we took a more flexible approach, realizing that not every difference of hers necessitated a fight.

In parenting, not every battle is worth fighting, and not every hill is worth dying on. You must learn the importance of choosing your battles wisely. Here are 5 questions to pick your battles with your kids.

1. Am I being rational or reactive?

Many of the battles I shouldn’t have touched with a 10-foot pole were the ones that started because I reacted rather than being intentional to respond. Anger, frustration, or any fly-off-the-handle reaction is a great way to start an unnecessary battle. On the other hand, a calm and rational response could save you a ton of regret.

2. Is this a problem or just a preference?

Fighting unnecessary battles is never helpful, yet many parents do it often. We see our children loading the dishwasher, folding the clothes, or mowing the lawn in a way that we would never in a million years choose to do it. Or our children’s choices in music and style differ from ours. So our natural response is to prove to them that our way (a.k.a. our preference) is right, even though theirs isn’t necessarily wrong. Differences don’t always have to equal battles.

3. Will this fight be helpful or hurtful?

Some fights are necessary. Because difficult as they are, having them means a circumstance or relationship can improve or a disagreement can get resolved. But other fights aren’t worth having because they’d simply hurt more than help. Always choose the battles that will actually make things better, not just the ones that make you look right.

4. Is it the right time?

Sometimes, timing can make all the difference in the world. Not everything you want to say needs to be said, and not everything needs to be said as soon as you think it. Biting your tongue and waiting for the right moment to address an issue might make a big difference in how well it’s received.

5. Can I have the right tone?

The right thing said in the wrong way can do more damage than good and can have the opposite effect of the one you’re hoping for. If what you need to say will come across as frustration or condescension, you’d be better to push pause until you are in the right frame of mind to address the issue with understanding and grace.

Sound off: Which unnecessary battle are you fighting right now?

The post 5 Questions to Pick Your Battles With Your Kids appeared first on All Pro Dad.

I hear a lot of people say that parenting is harder today than it was for our parents. Maybe that’s true. At the very least, it feels more complex. Our parents only had to worry about the dangers we’d face in the real world. Although as a Gen Xer, I feel like our parents didn’t worry that much. They just sent us outside until the streetlights came on. In parenting today, we need to be concerned about the real world and the online world.

We seem to have the real world covered. In fact, we’re probably a little overprotective there. It’s in preparing our kids for the online world that I think we fall short. We need to ask ourselves, “How can I be a good digital parent?” We set up protective controls and software, believing our kids to be safe. However, our kids’ curiosity often takes over, and they bypass our safeguards in two seconds and without our knowledge. A better way to protect our kids is to prepare them for the images, agendas, and content that will confront them online. To do this, there’s a conversation I think all parents need to have with their kids. It involves asking these 3 questions.

1. “What type of person do you want to become?”

This is important to finding out their vision of who they want to be. Do they want to be a person of character and integrity? Theologian Dallas Willard said that we all are becoming a certain type of person. It’s not a question of if you’re becoming someone—it’s a question of who you are becoming. Once you know who your kid wants to become, then ask the next question.

2. “What do you think determines who you become?”

The things you pour into your heart and mind determine who you become. The things we decide to look at, listen to, and love are the things that will consume our thoughts. As Jesus talked about in his Sermon on the Mount (Matthew 6:23), “the eyes are a lamp into the body.” Our thoughts are formed and nurtured by what we look at, listen to, and love. And our thoughts will form our attitudes and beliefs, ultimately impacting our behavior. That’s probably why the Apostle Paul wrote in Philippians 4:8, “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

3. “How do you think your thoughts affect your behavior?”

When our thoughts are focused on what is right and good, it helps form a strong character attuned to wisdom, love, and goodness. However, when we decide to consume content that is dehumanizing, hate-filled, and perverse, it forms us in the opposite direction. We become more callous, disconnected, and lacking in empathy. Sadly, it happens so slowly and incrementally that we don’t notice until there is significant damage done.

So, not only should we ask our kids these questions, we need to ask ourselves, “What do I spend my time looking at? What do I seek out more than anything? Who or what do I listen to?” More than anything, we need to model for our kids what it looks like to fill our hearts and our minds with the right things.

Sound off: What advice would you give to someone who asks, “How can I be a good digital parent?”

The post How to Prepare Your Kids for the Online World appeared first on All Pro Dad.

Slumped in the shadows, Marlin let out a despairing groan. Trying to console him, Dory said “There, there. It’s alright. It’ll be OK.” Marlin replied “No, no, it won’t… I promised I’d never let anything happen to him.” Dory looked back at him, confused. “That’s a funny thing to promise. You can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not a lot of fun for little (Nemo).”

We dads can appreciate both sides of this conversation. Holding our newborn son daughter for the first time often makes us want to protect our children from all hurt and pain. At the same time, many of the most important life experiences require our kids to go through hard things. Here are 5 moments we can’t protect our children from.

1. The Moment they Need to Go to the Emergency Room

Some kids have a knack for trying dangerous things. At times, it ends in laughter and a new memory. Other times, we find ourselves sitting with them in the ER waiting for stitches or a cast. While we can’t protect our children from stitches and broken bones, we can help them understand how to weigh the risks and benefits of a particular adventure beforehand… hopefully saving them from injury in the future.

2. The Moment Their Heart Gets Broken

One of the hardest lessons for anyone to learn is that romance isn’t always a fairy tale. The loss of a relationship often seems devastating, whether she’s 13 or he had a ring picked out and was planning the proposal. While we can’t stop our kids from getting their hearts broken, we can be there to pick them up again by providing a place to vent and a shoulder to cry on as they navigate these hard feelings.

3. The Moment Failure Feels Overwhelming

In modern-day Major League Baseball, a .300 batting average is excellent—but it means a great batter only gets a hit at 30% of the time. This means he fails more often than he succeeds. Hitting in baseball is a great metaphor to use to help your kids understand that sometimes, they are going to strike out. While we can’t protect our children from experiencing failure, we can teach them there’s a lot they can learn from a moment of failure.

4. The Moment Someone They Care About Gets Sick or Dies

Whether it’s grandparents, neighbors, or someone much closer to us, people we care about get sick and die. For a kid, visiting sick relatives in the hospital and later attending their funeral can be one of the most difficult, confusing experiences of childhood. While there’s nothing we can do to shield our kids from suffering and death, we can be there to answer their questions, help them cope with loss, and learn to grieve well.

5. The Moment Things Change

Kids don’t like when things change. Familiar things seem a lot safer than the unknown that change often brings. Change in our kids’ lives is inevitable, whether it’s outgrowing their favorite shirt, transitioning to a higher grade, or the struggle of watching a friend move away. While we can’t freeze the world around them, we can help them grieve the loss and (eventually) see the opportunities change can bring.

Sound off: What are some other things we can’t protect our children from?

The post 5 Moments We Can’t Protect Our Children From appeared first on All Pro Dad.

I was talking to a friend recently about all the dangers our kids can run into online. When I mentioned the threat of porn, she said something that set my alarm bells off: “Oh, my child would never watch porn.” She might be right, but the statistics aren’t on her side, and the assumption she made will cause her to put her guard down. That’s what happens to all parents who make lots of bad assumptions.

Parents should never make assumptions about their kids. When we do, we miss entering into important conversations and doing the training our kids desperately need. However, the consequences of some of our assumptions as parents can be more destructive, even disastrous. We need to avoid these at all costs. Here are 5 disastrous assumptions parents make.

1. “My child is more mature than most kids.”

Kids will often appear more mature than they actually are. They parrot things they’ve heard from adults. They know what they’re repeating fits for the situation, but they don’t understand why. Kids will also often put on masks to meet the approval and expectations of adults. These masks make them look mature, but the heart remains undeveloped.

2. “My child always…”

Parents who make lots of bad assumptions might not notice if their kids change. Kids might “always” have done something in the past, but that doesn’t give any guarantees for the future. Kids are unpredictable. They go through phases and changes; their relationships with their friends and family look different over time. They face different pressures and circumstances. What they would do two years ago no longer applies. Be ready for the changes, and never stop learning who your child is.

3. “My child would never…”

Kids are impulsive, and the part of their brains that measures cause and effect doesn’t finish developing until their mid-twenties. They are also starved for attention. So they are likely to do something unwise, get swayed by the crowd, do something unexpected, and behave in ways that will get them noticed, even if the behavior is bad. Believing the best of your child is understandable, but talk to your kids about these temptations with the assumption that they are capable of anything.

4. “My child is exactly like me.”

There may be similarities, but at the end of the day your kid is his or her own person. A huge part of our formation comes from the experiences we have, and theirs are different from yours. They are growing up in a different world. The DNA you passed on is just one part of the equation.

5. “We don’t need to talk about it.”

As I said in point three, you have to be prepared and talk to your kids about the temptations out there that can seriously hurt them. Never assume your child will avoid the bad things no matter how good their behavior has been. The Apostle Paul even said in Romans 7:15, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” If he struggled with his decisions, certainly our kids will, too, and they need our guidance. But, in all honesty, we struggle here too.

Thankfully, God is ready to guide us as Proverbs 3:5–6 tells us, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways, acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight.” Living this out will not only help your decisions, but it will help your kids.

Sound off: What are some other disastrous assumptions parents make?

The post 5 Disastrous Assumptions Parents Make appeared first on All Pro Dad.

We were relatively young when we had our kids—in our early 20s, which is great in many ways. We had energy and passion… and idealism. We weren’t going to be “those” parents. And by “those” parents, I mean we had a list of actions we observed other parents doing that we thought were ridiculous and were never going to do with our kids (if only I could read this to you, perhaps you’d catch the twinge of self-righteousness). Then, of course, we had kids, four of them. And we learned pretty quickly that we actually had no idea what we were doing.

I think this is actually true for most parents, young or not. You don’t know what you don’t know. And there’s not really a manual for this thing called parenting (which is why websites like this one exist!). Now I find myself in my mid-40swith grown kids and starting over as second-time parents. We’ve been fostering kids for years and recently adopted a 3-year-old and a 1-and-a-half-year-old. While we still are far from experts, we’ve definitely learned a few things, and as second-time parents, we’re making changes. Here are three things we’re doing differently the second time around.

1. We don’t aim at perfection.

When we parented the first time, we were really anxious about getting everything right. We were perfectionists, sure that every parenting misstep would possibly do irreparable damage. And yet, despite our attempt to be perfect parents, we fell short time and time again. And, despite all that, we discovered that our kids became pretty amazing people anyway. They also make a lot of mistakes and have many times done things that left us wondering what idiots parented them. And that’s kind of the point. We certainly have the ability to shape our kids, but they also make decisions for themselves, sometimes because of our parenting and sometimes in spite of it.

Good parenting certainly matters, but by “good” I don’t mean “devoid of errors.” I mean loving, humble, thoughtful, and courageous. So as second-time parents, we’re spending less time worried about “getting it right” and more time focused on how to love them well. Don’t get me wrong, occasionally we slip into perfection mode, but we let go of that a lot quicker and easier now than we did the first time around (maybe because you get tired quicker in your forties?).

2. We do more together.

The first time around, we used the “divide and conquer” strategy a lot. For one, we had four kids, and as you know, it’s difficult to do anything with any level of efficiency with one kid let alone four! But, if I’m honest, part of that was because I was pretty consumed with my career. My wife wanted to stay home with the kids, so that’s what we did. I worked, she stayed at home. But sometimes that led me to think my job was just, well, my job. And it was her job to manage the kids, and I’d step in when I could. That strategy left a lot to be desired. For one, I missed a lot of moments with my kids I didn’t need to miss. But also, I missed opportunities to be in it with my wife like I could’ve been.

As second-time parents, we simply do more together. Again, some of that is by necessity. We get tired a lot more quickly. But some of that is realizing that this time goes by quickly and we want to enjoy it together. Certainly that doesn’t mean we never divide and conquer. But we’re much more intentional about trying to do things together. And it’s not only been good for the kids, but it’s also been really good for us.

3. We think a lot about their environment.

One of the things we’ve noticed as our kids have gotten older is how deeply they were shaped by the environment they were in. In fact, I would say that they were shaped as much or more by their environment growing up as they were by us. When I say environment, I mean peers, but also more than just that. It was the school they were raised in, the affluence of our community, the general political leanings of our community, the people in our church.  So much of how they see the world was shaped by that experience. Some of that was wonderful, but some of it wasn’t.

As second-time parents, we’re paying a lot more attention to their environment. This is heightened by the fact that the kids we’re parenting now are of a different ethnicity than we are. So we’re even more focused on what the environment teaches them about who they are and who they can become. Keeping in mind the first point of this blog, that we’ll never get it all right, and that’s OK, we do have a much stronger value for paying attention to their environment than we did that first time around.

Sound off: What lessons have you learned from parenting that you’d share with a younger parent?

The post 3 Things We’re Doing Differently the Second Time Around appeared first on All Pro Dad.